June 26, 2013

WOW!  It's been over 2 months since I have blogged.  I knew it had been a while, but didn't realize it has been since right before Brian left.  To be quite honest, I haven't had much time to blog or do anything much for me.  I knew it would be difficult with Brian gone, but hadn't realized the stress, anxiety, lack of sleep and exhaustion I would be facing playing the role as Mommy, Daddy and full time employee.  Brian's departure just had to come at  the time when my job takes the busy season and to make things more complicated, I was in my first trimester with out second child.  So on top of being exhausted, I was exhausted.  But with the love and support of family and friends I have triumphed though to summer schedule (well almost... only 2 more wake-ups)

It has been difficult playing the role of Mom and Dad and Will has been struggling with his separation from his father.  It sucks to see him miss his Daddy and be upset when he can't talk to him or when the conversation ends too soon.  He isn't sleeping well which means his Mamma isn't sleeping well.  He's gone from falling asleep on his own to needing me by his side.  He wakes up in the middle of the night and comes in to sleep with me.  He just wants to make sure that I am right there and not going anywhere too! It breaks my heart.  I am truly blessed though that my parents and my in-laws have stepped in to help fill the void.  I know it really isn't filled, but it is a distraction that helps him.  He loves his time with his grandparents and it gives me a second to breathe.

Another unexpected thing happened this weekend.  I really struggled without Brian.  For those that know me, I am rather independent and am generally fine on my own, but this weekend, I just felt like I couldn't function.  He's been gone for two-plus months.  I am not sure if it was the fact that he is finally overseas and unreachable or what.  While he was in Texas for 2 months, I had the ability to call him, now I have to wait and hope to catch him.  Twice I missed his call on Sunday because I was running errands and that killed me.  I know that sounds dumb because I know I have to live life, but I wasn't there when he called and more importantly Will missed out on talking with his Daddy.

I also found out some news that should be exciting, but instead terrifies me.  Brian probably will be able to come home for the birth of our second child.  I should be ecstatic, but instead am worried that I won't be able to survive him leaving again postpartum.  I struggled when he went back to the PD after Will was born and this time he is flying around the world.  Part of me feels that it would be easier if he doesn't come home. For most of you reading this, I am sure I sound crazy, but that is how I feel.  I am terrified about how difficult it may be when he has to leave again, both for myself and for Will.  Decisions, decisions... damned if I do, and damned if I don't...

Luckily that is just under 6 months away.  I don't need to dwell on that now.  Tonight, I will focus on our summer plans: days at the beach, fun with friends and daily excursions.  I am so blessed that I will only be working one day a week this summer and can really focus on having fun with Will.  I hope that with the extra time I will be spending with him this summer, he will realize that I am not going anywhere and the separation with his father is only temporary.

So that is where I have been and what I have been feeling.  BUSY! but BLESSED!