June 26, 2013

WOW!  It's been over 2 months since I have blogged.  I knew it had been a while, but didn't realize it has been since right before Brian left.  To be quite honest, I haven't had much time to blog or do anything much for me.  I knew it would be difficult with Brian gone, but hadn't realized the stress, anxiety, lack of sleep and exhaustion I would be facing playing the role as Mommy, Daddy and full time employee.  Brian's departure just had to come at  the time when my job takes the busy season and to make things more complicated, I was in my first trimester with out second child.  So on top of being exhausted, I was exhausted.  But with the love and support of family and friends I have triumphed though to summer schedule (well almost... only 2 more wake-ups)

It has been difficult playing the role of Mom and Dad and Will has been struggling with his separation from his father.  It sucks to see him miss his Daddy and be upset when he can't talk to him or when the conversation ends too soon.  He isn't sleeping well which means his Mamma isn't sleeping well.  He's gone from falling asleep on his own to needing me by his side.  He wakes up in the middle of the night and comes in to sleep with me.  He just wants to make sure that I am right there and not going anywhere too! It breaks my heart.  I am truly blessed though that my parents and my in-laws have stepped in to help fill the void.  I know it really isn't filled, but it is a distraction that helps him.  He loves his time with his grandparents and it gives me a second to breathe.

Another unexpected thing happened this weekend.  I really struggled without Brian.  For those that know me, I am rather independent and am generally fine on my own, but this weekend, I just felt like I couldn't function.  He's been gone for two-plus months.  I am not sure if it was the fact that he is finally overseas and unreachable or what.  While he was in Texas for 2 months, I had the ability to call him, now I have to wait and hope to catch him.  Twice I missed his call on Sunday because I was running errands and that killed me.  I know that sounds dumb because I know I have to live life, but I wasn't there when he called and more importantly Will missed out on talking with his Daddy.

I also found out some news that should be exciting, but instead terrifies me.  Brian probably will be able to come home for the birth of our second child.  I should be ecstatic, but instead am worried that I won't be able to survive him leaving again postpartum.  I struggled when he went back to the PD after Will was born and this time he is flying around the world.  Part of me feels that it would be easier if he doesn't come home. For most of you reading this, I am sure I sound crazy, but that is how I feel.  I am terrified about how difficult it may be when he has to leave again, both for myself and for Will.  Decisions, decisions... damned if I do, and damned if I don't...

Luckily that is just under 6 months away.  I don't need to dwell on that now.  Tonight, I will focus on our summer plans: days at the beach, fun with friends and daily excursions.  I am so blessed that I will only be working one day a week this summer and can really focus on having fun with Will.  I hope that with the extra time I will be spending with him this summer, he will realize that I am not going anywhere and the separation with his father is only temporary.

So that is where I have been and what I have been feeling.  BUSY! but BLESSED!

April 15, 2013

I am currently in psycho/crazy mode.  My first response is to fight, yell and scream.  Brian put a bowl in my way this morning while I was trying to get ready for work and I totally went off on him.  In the grand scheme of things it is not a big deal, but it is so much easier to fight and push him away then deal with the fact that he is leaving.  I cannot even comprehend that he is leaving on Saturday and we won't see him for 400 days except for a brief leave.  I hate, hate, hate this.  I find it easier to push him away or delve into my 100 projects then spend quality time with him.  I know that is not fair, but it is what it is.

The truth is I am terrified.  I am terrified that I am going to suck as a single Mom and that Will is going to ask for Brian every day which only makes it harder.  I am afraid that things will me more dangerous than he says they will be, but who knows... maybe this time will be different.  I know he will be in danger, but it is easier to think that he is on a desert vacation for a year.  I know it is stupid, but again it is my way to cope.

On top of all this, I feel that there is never enough time to get everything I need to do accomplished and that is when there are two of us.   I have finals due tomorrow and they aren't even in the beginning stages.  I have meetings to prep for with work and IEP's to write and evaluations to schedule and this that and the other thing to do.  I know it is a new job, but I feel that there is never enough time in the day for me to get everything accomplished.

I know it will all work out, but right now I am in psycho/crazy mode and everything seems super magnified.  God, help me to get through this week and give me the strength to survive the next year.

I can't say enough about how grateful I feel to have an amazing family to support us, along with friends that surround us and build us up so that we don't fall.  I know I am not alone... but it sometimes feels that I am.

Thank you to all that came out to Brian's farewell BBQ on Saturday.  We appreciate seeing you and saying all the kind works.  Thank you to Jillian, for taking our family photos and being patient while Will ran around like crazy.  I know people get through these times with much less than I have... but right now I can't help but feel that this SUCKS!

April 3, 2013

Two and a half weeks is all that is between now and my husband leaving on a 400 day tour of duty.  I wish I could say that I was ready for this and that I have gotten all my ducks in a row, but the truth is I am floundering.  It is just so much easier to shut down and not get ANYTHING accomplished then to start dealing with the fact that he is leaving.  But I can't do that forever and I need to start getting my butt in gear.  Monday, I meet with a case coordinator that will help me figure out what services I am eligible for (thank you Heather for getting the contact that got this rolling).  I am just feeling overwhelmed, and it hasn't even happened yet.  I know that I don't have much to complain about, people do this all the time and with more kids and less help.  But it sucks being separated from someone you love for so long.  And a big difference is the I have an amazing husband who is a good father.  He helps out ALOT so it is a BIG difference when he is gone. 

I know I will deal with it and Will and I will get through it.  I just hope that I get through it in one piece without feeling like the worlds crappiest mom...

March 13, 2013

The reality is setting in that Brian will be gone in just over a month.  I am trying to put a good face forward and not let everyone see how scared I am.  I shrug it off and say it is what it is.  Honestly, that is the truth.  I signed up for this crap, right?  I married him and knew these deployments were a possibility.  I guess I just didn't realize that it would happen so much.  In the 4 years, and almost 3 months we have been together, I am gearing up for another deployment and the realities of being a single Mom.  No  longer can I go out and party and drink away the pain of having my spouse so far away.  No longer can I be irresponsible and just sleep until noon because I don't want to get out of bed.  I have to be strong and put on the bravest face possible.  This is not always easy, especially in light of recent events in the news.  5 Americans were killed in a helicopter crash this week and 2 others were killed when they were shot by somebody they were training.  I know that the amount of causalities have gone down since the outbreak, but that doesn't give any solace those families that are now suffering.  I can't even imagine what they are now going through and I don't want to.  

In the midst of all this craziness.  And while we are sending out troops to continue to fight and risk their lives for our freedom, I cannot help but be disgusted by our government.  Why can't our government officials do their job.  At this point I am not just speaking to the democrats, but to the republicans as well.  We need a unified government working together to solve our economic crisis and make sure the American public and especially our troops are supported.  Our leadership is weak and are not making good choices.  As Americans, there should be more people outraged  by what is happening during this sequestration.  How come our government officials continue to get paid while not doing their jobs.  It disgusts me the they are making cuts to military benefits, but won't look at their safety net.  We as Americans need to take a stand.  Our troops need our support and we need to make sure our government doesn't continue to create this downward spiral. 

I hope that on this deployment, they will have water readily available to them and all the equipment and supplies that they need because last time they did not.  I hope our government will smarten up and start supporting our troops and giving them the everyday essentials we need to survive.

With that being said, my husband is leaving in one month and seven days and there just isn't enough time.  But he will come back safe and sound because he has to and we will take our vacation to Disney.

February 21, 2013

It has been a while since my last post and for good reason.  Life got crazy busy and I wanted to wait for the Yellow Ribbon pre-deployment program to really update you.

First off, I want to announce that I officially am the new high school special education coordinator for the Hooksett School District.  My position is a job share at the moment and we are split 60/40.  I work the 60% portion of the position and will be working three days a week.  I will be doing all things special ed for the Hooksett high school students at Manchester West, on out of district placement and all the students receiving services under 504.  I am extremely excited about the position and think it will be the perfect fit for me.  As I have told friends, I can imagine growing old in this position!

Enough about me, on to the Yellow Ribbon.  All I can say, is what a waste of time.  There was some benefits for the CT soldiers and their wives as all the venders represented CT.  If they were to do it right, they would have sent us to a program within our home state.  Also, listening to venders talk all day and spewing information about their programs doesn't help.  Some of the information is valid and important and it is good to know that their our resources out there while our husbands are deployed.  However, a lot of the soldiers deploying with my husband are deploying for the first time and they don't have any idea what they are in for nor do their families. 

If I were running the program, I would have break-out sessions for wives and parents to sit and chat about expectations, fears and the unknowns.  Some of the wives that have already been through deployments could share some insight.  People would make connections so that they don't feel alone going through this.

I am very fortunate to have an amazing support system while my husband is deployed and even when he is not.  My parents and in-laws are always right there to support me and I have an abundance of friends that are supportive.  I also am lucky because I have friends that have been through a deployment and understand what it is like to have a loved ones so far away.  It feels very surreal to me that Brian will be gone in 60 days.  The time will dissipate before we know it...

February 5, 2013

I am so very fortunate, I cannot even begin to say thanks... I appreciate and extremely thankful for:

• a supportive family that will watch Will at the drop of that hat or to help out around the house
• an amazing group of friends that surround me with love and build me up when I am at my absolute lowest
• people sharing their experiences with me and giving me advice during the difficult time of pre-deployment and getting this for Will to make this easier on him (thank you Heather Connelly)
• play dates to share in the joy of raising my son
• an amazing CAGS program full of supportive and knowledgeable professors that are extremely supportive
• the opportunity to interview for amazing jobs (I know some don't even get that chance)
• the opportunity to share my knowledge of reading and overcoming obstacles in college with responsible students (I even enjoy the not so responsible ones)
• the ability to have my grad classes paid for by working as the ERC Grad Assistant
• an amazing day care to bring Will to that is supportive and understanding and loves him

There is so much more and I am truly blessed.  Thank you everyone!

January 29, 2013

Brian was gone for 4 short days this weekend and it was as if reality punched me in the face.  William would go from room to room multiple times throughout the day and say Dada? Dada?  Where Dada?  Like I was hiding him or something.  Naptime and bedtime started to get rough.  He wouldn't sleep without a picture of Brian positioned next to him in the bed.  Now that Brian is home, he wants Brian to lay down next to him as if Brian will vanish again if he isn't right there.  It really breaks my heart to see Will go through this, and I know this just the beginning.  I want to make sure that I am the strongest I can be for him and Brian during this time.  It is definitely not easy.  I have so many stressors already, that I am starting to feel weighted down.

On top of teaching classes at MCC and being a graduate assistant, I am also taking 3 graduate level courses and looking for full time work.  It is a lot and I know I can do it.  I just need to be patient and take care of myself.

Here is the information that I found out after this weekend:

• They are still MOB at the end of April, but the going away ceremony is probably on 3 days prior to the MOB date and he can't come home after that... doesn't that make MOB 3 days earlier... ugh!
• They will be at Ft. Bliss, TX for about 2 or so months months and prior to leaving the states he will be granted a 4 day leave to come and visit.
• They are going to be stationed at the Air force Base in Afghanistan running the corrections facility there and training Afghani's on how to run the facility on their own.
• Brian thinks he is going to be incredibly bored... I told him that I would rather he be bored than me be worried
• Hoping to gain more insight at the yellow ribbon informational weekend in a few weeks!

As always, keep us in your prayers and know that we are fine...