April 15, 2013

I am currently in psycho/crazy mode.  My first response is to fight, yell and scream.  Brian put a bowl in my way this morning while I was trying to get ready for work and I totally went off on him.  In the grand scheme of things it is not a big deal, but it is so much easier to fight and push him away then deal with the fact that he is leaving.  I cannot even comprehend that he is leaving on Saturday and we won't see him for 400 days except for a brief leave.  I hate, hate, hate this.  I find it easier to push him away or delve into my 100 projects then spend quality time with him.  I know that is not fair, but it is what it is.

The truth is I am terrified.  I am terrified that I am going to suck as a single Mom and that Will is going to ask for Brian every day which only makes it harder.  I am afraid that things will me more dangerous than he says they will be, but who knows... maybe this time will be different.  I know he will be in danger, but it is easier to think that he is on a desert vacation for a year.  I know it is stupid, but again it is my way to cope.

On top of all this, I feel that there is never enough time to get everything I need to do accomplished and that is when there are two of us.   I have finals due tomorrow and they aren't even in the beginning stages.  I have meetings to prep for with work and IEP's to write and evaluations to schedule and this that and the other thing to do.  I know it is a new job, but I feel that there is never enough time in the day for me to get everything accomplished.

I know it will all work out, but right now I am in psycho/crazy mode and everything seems super magnified.  God, help me to get through this week and give me the strength to survive the next year.

I can't say enough about how grateful I feel to have an amazing family to support us, along with friends that surround us and build us up so that we don't fall.  I know I am not alone... but it sometimes feels that I am.

Thank you to all that came out to Brian's farewell BBQ on Saturday.  We appreciate seeing you and saying all the kind works.  Thank you to Jillian, for taking our family photos and being patient while Will ran around like crazy.  I know people get through these times with much less than I have... but right now I can't help but feel that this SUCKS!